Closure can be one of the hardest things to achieve at the end of a relationship. Not only do you have to figure out what's going on in your own head/heart, you are often left wondering about what the other party is thinking and feeling.
Rose Champagne always encouraged during the Breakup Protocol
All relationships, of course, come to end--either from death do us part, or, much earlier. Endings are not bad; each relationship we have reveals something to us about our truest self. Hopefully we listen and learn. Avoiding closure means avoiding lessons; it is also selfish to cling to what is not meant to be a large part of your life. Everything that happens is 51% the Universe; and 49% us. So we've got to do our part and accept that Universe is doing its part.
As a Global Dandy, I believe the un-lived life is not worth examining, and, the un-examined life is not much fun. So I introduce to you, The Breakup Protocol, a comprehensive set of questions that all involved parties should answer after both of you realize its over.
Rules of the Protocol
- Aim to answer every question with statements that take the form "I feel X", "I want X", or "These situations or actions by you caused me to feel X, think Y, or fantasize/fear Z."
- Avoid answering questions with statements like "You are X", "You did Y", or "I expected Z from you." The point of this protocol is to share internal states, not accuse others. All of us communicate better when we each take responsibility for our feelings by sharing them without the expectation that it is someone else's duty to change them or even know about them prior to our speech.
- Aim to listen to answers such that you could, if necessary, share what the other person said in a way that they would agree with your summary. Listen for comprehension, in other words, rather than simply listening to hear whether you agree or how you feel about what is being said.
- If offering a different perspective on a similar event, make sure that you have heard the other person out in their entirety. See if you can summarize what they said to you to them. See if they agree with your summary. Save all clarifying questions until the end of their sharing. Then say, "I have different view about what happened, and I'd like to share with you my interpretation of the events." Ask politely that you be allowed to share your view of what happened.
- Remember the point is not to come to agreement on the why's, but to come to agreement that everything that needs to be said has been said.
I think it's also helpful to do a modified version of this as a relationship check-in. But we can talk about how to maintain communicative, healthy relationships in a future entry.
Below find the questionnaire, and under each question, a reason or meditation/intention to bring into the questions.
The Break-Up Protocol Questionnaire
1. What are you hoping to get out of this conversation?
This is the most important question. If you are having a break-up conversation to achieve closure, take a moment to think about what closure means for you. The more concrete your goals for the conversation are, the better you can reflect on how to communicate, rather than be triggered.
2. What initially attracted you to me?
We all showed up for a reason. Those reasons may change over time. But think back to the beginning, before you had history, before you knew the other person, before you began building a narrative about that person's presence or absence in your life. Why did you begin talking to them, and why were you able to persist beyond a casual conversation? Be honest.
3. What was the key story you each told about the relationship while it was happening?
The goal of this question to pull out two potentially distinct narratives:
- What did you tell each other about what you were doing and why?
- What did you tell your friends/the public about what you were doing and why?
An example may help here. A variety of my close friends are in relationships that they choose not to end (or dragged the ending out over many months). Their key narratives to their friends was always "I can do better" or "He is holding me back." I'm not entirely sure what the internal narratives were, but in one case, it seemed like one party was always threatening to or actually breaking up as a way to demonstrate power in the relationship.
In one of my more recent relationships, one enduring narrative was that he didn't know how he felt sometimes, and that there was extreme variation in his feelings. (In this case, the internal and external narratives were similar.) This question is designed to reveal and excavate the narratives that each of you told about the other person, and what that may or may not reveal about what you believe you need in relationships to make them successful.
Interrogating narratives produces the potential for insight. I have found that many people I know are pre-occupied with whether other people think their partner is hot/A-list. This narrative reveals to me often that those persons do not yet know what they value that is intrinsic to their relationships, and that their feelings will be driven by optics, which are sometimes outside their ability to shape. These relationships are unlikely to succeed, if only because at least one party is not communicating what they find valuable about their specific partnership, and why, given all that life may throw at them, this relationship is one in which they can find joy, resilience and affirmation.
4. What are three things you think we have in common in this moment?
Just because you've decided to end things does not mean that you don't have things in common. Explore those here.
5. Can you pick an appetizer off the menu for me.
This is one of my favorite questions. Eating is such a quotidian activity that it really shows how much someone paid attention to the preferences and decision-making practices of the other party. Generally, choices about food won't devolve into moral fights, so it is a safe way to explain aesthetic and decision-making capabilities. Here may you realize that you lived along side someone rather than with someone.
6. What was your least favorite memory with me?
Finally! Some dirt. This question is here for acknowledgement that relationships and events have multiple internal perspectives.
7. How did going on dates with me make you feel?
One of the key issues I've discovered is that a lot of people don't stop and ask themselves how they felt, overall, about things like dates. This will be the subject of another post, but I'm often struck by how my friends actively pursue people whom, on dates, make them feel small, un-sexy, un-confident, or un-acknowledged.
They confuse the energy needed to weather a hostile situation with the energy of romantic compatibility, by eroticizing the feeling of being charged up, rather than the feeling of being warmed up. Sometimes people confused material comfort and stability with loving-kindness and care. Explore, explore these feelings together.
8. Which was our best date?
Nothing like sharing a good memory. But also, giving time to reflect on what made the date a good date.
9. Which was your least favorite date?
This is to get into sharing divergent, unpleasant experiences. Why was it less favored? When did you know you didn't like it? How did you communicate that at the time? When did that occur in the trajectory of the relationship?
10. When did your feelings about the end of the relationship become certain?
Relationships often end long before they terminate. See if you can pinpoint your respective decisions to turn away from each other.
11. Would you say you pulled away from me?
This is to figure out who opted out first. What did withdrawal look like?
12. If you could change one thing about our relationship, what would it be?
Solange once sang a verse that shook my soul: "I could've been in love right now, if it wasn't for Tony."
Now comes time to deal with some fantasy. Many times relationships fail because of the illusions in our heads about what romance should look, feel, taste, and be like. Most of us don't fantasize about the hard work of being common, affirming connections. But we do fantasize about the highs of what we think love might be. This question explores that fantasy/illusions dimensions of relationships.
13. Do you think you've changed over the course our relationship? In a better or worse way?
This question is to really think about how you have or haven't changed from the relationship.
14. What do you think was the most intimate moment in our relationship?
This question never fails to reveal something interesting!
15. What do you think we lacked in our sex life?
I think it's super-important that folks breaking up actively talk about their sex lives. And to begin with the bad news!
16. Favorite sex sesh?
Moving on to more pleasant things. Ask questions and get descriptive! You were there, so it's ok. Sometimes this is the first time a person has really gotten to talk about their sex lives. Maybe they even feel disconnected from the multiple dimensions of sex for them. This question can be healing as well as revealing.
17. What is your favorite thing about me, physically?
It's also important to talk about your actual bodies. This is phrased as an affirming question on purpose.
18. How are you feeling right now?
Mid-term check in. Most folks are over-whelmed by now.
New days begin when old ones end
19. Who would you say put more effort into our relationship?
This one has to be navigated very carefully. This has provoked tension.
20. Did you see yourself falling in love with me?
Sometimes partners don't share their fantasies about the future. And sometimes folks don't go through the hard work of detailing their fantasies in the context of real people. This accomplishes both.
21. Is there any part of you that wants to try dating again?
Get this question out of the way now.
22. Is what you're looking for in a boyfriend/partner different now that we've dated?
This is a follow-up to the how you've changed that teases the what have you learned.
23. Describe your dream guy.
Aren't you both dying to know the answer to this question?! This actually begins a series of leading questions through question 27 to really think about how the abstract dream guy would actually come into your life and relate to you. The expectation that things will "just work out" would leave one ill-equipped to deal with actual romantic life.
24. What qualities do you seek most in a relationship?
Notice how this construction of an ideal partner often differs from your "dream guy", especially for emotionally-maturing partners. Part of growing up is learning how to harmonize what you fantasize about with what you need to feel loved.
25. Which of those qualities do you think I have?
If you dated someone who doesn't have (m)any of the qualities you like in partner, you should really think hard about the connections between Questions 2, 24, and 25. Does your dream guy have the qualities you most want in a relationship? If not, how might your search change
26. Which of my qualities is your favorite?
27. Which of my qualities is your least favorite?
If I'm an asshole, here's a really great time to say it-- politely. Lol.
28. Do you think there's anything we could have done to save us from breaking up? Or was it inevitable because of who we are?
One of my favorite exercises from game theory classes on civil wars was to lead my students through the exercise of describing a "bad" outcome -- like the breakdown of a government into armed rivals-- without making one side seem stupid, malicious, or to blame. What are the structural reasons why we didn't work out? What was the last clear chance to save the relationship?
29. Would you say I put a lot of pressure on you?
This is out of curiosity because I've been told I'm intense lol.
30. Describe a typical day in our life at 39 if we were married.
This question is actually a gateway to really paint a detailed description of what everyday married life would look like if y'all were together. Is that a life you'd actually want? If the answer is yes, then why didn't it work out?
31. Do you think we will remain acquaintances?
We should cut the bullshit about friends. This question is an --should I randomly text you about stuff, or nah-- inquiry. Some people wanna close the book forever. And some people wanna linger. Better to get to know what role your ex wants to play.
32. Describe to me in detail how you feel about me now.
A final chance to share!
33. What advice would you give me about future dates?
Look, be selfish and ask for advice! Your next relationship could be the one that ends at your life's end. So you need to know what to do better.
35. Would you have sat down with me when we were dating to answer all these questions?
This is a question about communication in the relationship. Be honest!
36. When was the last time you were looking forward to seeing me?
Again, selfish curiosity.
37. Are there any questions you like me to answer?
Sometimes there are questions that aren't on this protocol that need to be asked. Here's the space to do that.
