Yesterday, on Wednesday, was National Coming Out Day. Most people think this holiday is about queer people, when really it's about and for straight people.
Here's the basic logic of the holiday: If queer people show their visibility, everyone will see the many types of queer folks, and can affirm their commitment to equality by affirming the common humanity of non-straight people.
This basic logic is a bad bargain for queer people on a few dimensions.
Visibility does not bring increased empowered for all queer people. In fact, some queer people of color, and some non-middle class queer people, especially those experiencing displacement, can find visibility leads to more vulnerability. This vulnerability comes in the form of police surveillance, etc.
Second, the assumption that straight folks have common humanity be default is reinforced by the logic of the holiday. If straight people don't have to come out, neither should queer folks. “Coming out” implicitly announces — to LGBTQ individuals, allies and enemies — that gay people are aberrant. Our homosexuality is so different that we must proclaim it; heterosexuality, however, is normal and expected."
Instead of Coming Out, let's try this:
1. Drop the idea of "this person hasn't 'come out' yet" or "when will XYZ finally 'come out'?" If the person is not sharing sexual experiences with you, leave them to narrate their lives as they see fit. The weirdly public hyper-surveillance of people's sex lives in the name of sexual freedom can be very intrusive. People should be free to share, or not share, as suits them, without being shamed for their choices.
2. Heterosexuality is not the default. Stop asking little boys if they have a girlfriend yet. Stop asking little girls what they want their husbands to look like. Stop sexing kids and maybe we won't need this day. Wanting what you think is best for someone can often be more damaging than malign neglect. It's the abusers who appear in the name of love that leave marks of lingering trauma. Foes and frenemies are much easier to leave behind.
3. Heterosexuality is actually quite complicated, and hella fucked up, so please feel free to talk through it. Illusions of femininity and masculinity norms both contain seeds of personal destruction within them, if taken to be prescriptive guides.
4. Minorities and lower-income peoples have it pretty tough. "Coming out" requires mental, financial and other forms of security. If coming out compromises your safety or livelihood, you should focus on survival. What counts as an autonomous sexual identity depends on some many factors. We should stop judging people's stories by the little we know from the chapter we walked in on.
5. There is nothing that plagues gay and queer peoples that is not caused by the unchecked and malignant forms of heterosexuality and heterosexism that many of us pretend are normal. Queer folks don't need Pride; they need space. Straight people are the problem that hasn't found a way to solve itself
