As the #metoo campaign and allegations of sexual assault and abuse by powerful men picked up steam in recent weeks, more and more of sexism, rape culture, and what women deal with on a regular basis has been pushed to the forefront of conversations and our collective focus. Women have felt empowered by the affirmation of what they already knew—that what they experience is real, that it is pervasive, that they are not alone, that it is wrong, that it could and should be otherwise. Men have thoughtfully stepped back and listened, considered actions in their pasts and what they can do differently going forward, and expressed enthusiasm about changing the world and making it a better and safer one for women (and men) to live in.
There is one part of our pervasive sexist, rape culture that seems to have floated under the radar the last few weeks and it’s important to talk about because it is one of the more hidden and one of the more common aspects of sexist rape culture. As we all think of ways we can make the world better, safer, and less rape-y—I ask that we create some space to focus on empowered female sexuality and “hell yeah” as the standard for sexual encounters.
So much of heterosexual sex is focused on male pleasure, women are constantly discouraged from "being sexual" (while being encouraged to be sexual objects), and sexist ideas of women being submissive are as prevalent in the bedroom as elsewhere. As a result, women take (and are expected to take) submissive roles in sexual encounters—from initiating, to awareness of their own personal pleasure, to advocating for their own needs, particularly if they conflict with male needs. This, in addition to being problematic in its own right, has created and fed two dangerous aspects of “rape culture”: (1) a notion that women have to *pretend* to not want sex and then have to be convinced to “give in” to it and (2) the idea that the absence of a firm and insistent “no” is consent to a sexual encounter and the goal in a sexual situation.
This leads to a regular harmful interaction between men and women in dating—a woman indicates certain boundaries, a man doesn’t believe her and blows past them or tries to convince her to change those boundaries, the woman’s boundaries are outright violated or move in the moment, under pressure, and the woman is left feeling like she engaged in a sexual interaction that wasn’t of her choosing, but “wasn’t rape or assault”. It is a problem as soon as it gets to “a man doesn’t believe her and blows past them or tries to convince her to change those boundaries…” and all too often it progresses beyond that.
It’s the hand going where it shouldn’t after being moved several times, the boorish pursuit of sex as an end goal even when the woman has indicated that is not what she wants during that particular encounter, putting body parts any place it was agreed they wouldn’t go, etc. I have felt uncomfortable and violated after the more "innocent” of these interactions and cried to girlfriends after the more egregious instances. I have listened to friends tell stories of similar experiences. I know personally that some of the men who are reading this—friends of mine, people I have dated, or people friends have dated— have violated a woman’s sexual boundaries in this way.
And, it has been on my mind the last few weeks because “believe women” seems to be a particularly apropos solution to this problem.
Believe women in intimate situations.
Believe that the woman in front of you is a fully-realized, autonomous sexual being who is capable of identifying and expressing her own sexual desires, without any help from a man.
Believe her when she expresses her boundaries and behave in a manner that respects them.
Believe that she will do what she wants to do. If a woman wants to have sex, she will; without being pushed to do it.
Believe that a woman’s autonomy and bodily sovereignty is of such value that you would rather err on the side of missing a chance at sex than risk violating any woman’s bodily sovereignty or failing to respect any woman’s autonomy.
Respecting women requires believing what a woman tells you about what she wants.
The good news is—it’s very easy to fix on a personal level.
Believe women. Men, believe women. Women, believe in yourself.
And, on a societal level, we can also all easily be a part of the solution by doing what we can to create a society that clearly sends the message that women are empowered, autonomous, sexual beings deserving of respect. There’s lots of low-hanging fruit.
